1 There was a young girl of Aberystwyth Who took grain to the mill to get grist with. The miller's sun, Jack, Laid her flat on her back, And united the organs they pissed with. 2 There was a young lady of Arden, The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden. Said she with a frown, "I've been sadly let down By the tool of a fool in a garden." 3 There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield Engaged to look after the deacon's field, But he lurked in the ditches And diddled the bitches Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field. 4 There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu Who's often been screwed by yours truly, But now--it's appallin'-- My balls always fall in! I fear that I've fucked her unduly. 5 There was a young girl in Berlin Who was fucked by an elderly Finn. Though he diddled his best, And fucked her with zest, She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?" 6 I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda, I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder. She said it was crude To be wooed in the nude-- I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her! 7 There was a young lady of Bicester Who was nicer by far than her sister: The sister would giggle And wiggle and jiggle, But this one would come if you kissed her. 8 There once was a son-of-a-bitch, Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich, Yet the girls he would dazzle, And fuck to a frazzle, And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch! 9 There once was a young fellow named Blaine, And he screwed some disgusting old jane. She was ugly and smelly, With an awful pot-belly, But... well, they were caught in the rain. 10 There was a young sailor form Brighton Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one." She replied, "'Pon my soul, You're in the wrong hole; There's plenty of room in the right one. 11 A lacklustre lady of Brougham Weaveth all night at her loom. Anon she doth blench When her lord and his wench Pull a chain in the neighbouring room. 12 A middle-aged codger named Bruin Found his love life completely a-ruin, For he flirted with flirts Wearing pants and no skirts, And he never got in for no screwin'. 13 There was a young fellow of Burma Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur. But now that he's married he's Been using cantharides And the root of their love is much firmer. 14 There was a young fellow from Cal., In bed with a passionate gal. He leapt from the bed, To the toilet he sped; Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?" 15 There was a young man from Calcutta Who was heard in his beard to mutter, "If her Bartholin glands Don't respond to my hands, I'm afraid I shall have to use butter." 16 There once was a kiddie named Carr Caught a man on top of his mar. As he saw him stick 'er, He said with a snicker, "You do it much faster than par." 17 There was a young fellow named Charteris Put his hand where his young lady's garter is. Said she, "I don't mind, And higher up you'll find The place where my fucker and farter is." 18 A young woman got married at Chester, Her mother she kissed and she blessed her. Says she, "You're in luck, He's a stunning good fuck, For I've had him myself down in Leicester. 19 "For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe, "You have told me my bosom is snowy; You have made much fine verse on Each part of my person, Now do something -- there's a good boy!" 20 A maiden who wrote of big cities Some songs full of love, fun and pities, Sold her stuff at the shop Of a musical wop Who played with her soft little titties. 21 There once was a gouty old colonel Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal, And he cried in his tiffin For his prick wouldn't stiffen, And the size of the thing was infernal. 22 A lady while dining at Crewe Found an elephant's whang in her stew. Said the waiter, "Don't shout, And don't wave it about, Or the others will all want one too." 23 There was a young lady of Dee Who went down to the river to pee. A man in a punt Put his hand on her cunt, And God! how I wish it were me. 24 I never had Miss Defauw, But it wouldn't have been quite so raw If she'd only said "No" When I wanted her so; But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!" 25 A beautiful bell of Del Norte Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty Because during the day She says: "Boys, keep away!" But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. 26 A young man by a girl was desired To give her the thrills she required, But he died of old age Ere his cock could assuage The volcanic desire it inspired. 27 There was a young lady of Dover Whose passion was such that it drove her To cry, when you came, "Oh dear! What a shame! Well, now we shall have to start over." 28 There was a young man of Dumfries Who said to his girl, "If you please, It would give me great bliss If, while playing with this, You would pay some attention to these!" 29 There was a young lady of Ealing And her lover before her was kneeling. Said she, "Dearest Jim, Take your hands off my quim; I much prefer fucking to feeling." 30 A lonely young lad of Eaton Used always to sleep with the heat on, Till he ran into a lass Who showed him her ass -- Now they sleep with only a sheet on. 31 There was a young lady of Exeter, So pretty, that men craned their necks at her. One was even so brave As to take out and wave The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 32 There was a young lady of fashion Who had oodles and oodles of passion. To her lover she said, As they climbed into bed, "Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!" 33 There was a young girl in Dakota Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her: "In addition to gas We are rationing ass, And you've greatly exceeded your quota." 34 There was a young lady named Flynn Who thought fornication a sin, But when she was tight It seemed quite all right, So everyone filled her with gin. 35 A reckless young lady of France Had no qualms about taking a chance, But she thought it was crude To get screwed in the nude, So she always went home with damp pants. 36 A nervous young fellow named Fred Took a charming young widow to bed. When he'd diddled a while She remarked with a smile, "You've got it all in but the head." 37 There was a young fellow named Fyfe Whose marriage was ruined for life, For he had an aversion To every perversion And only liked fucking his wife. Well, one year the poor woman struck, And she wept, and she cursed at her luck, And said, "Where have you gotten us With your goddamn monotonous Fuck after fuck after fuck? "I once knew a harlot named Lou -- And a versatile girl she was, too. After ten years of whoredom She perished of boredom When she married a jackass like you!" 40 There was a young lady of Gloucester, Met a passionate fellow who tossed her. She wasn't much hurt, But he dirtied her skirt, So think of the anguish it cost her. 41 There was a young lady of Gloucester Whose friends they thought they had lost her Till they found on the grass The marks of her arse, And the knees of the man who had crossed her. 42 There was a young fellow named Goody Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he? If he found himself nude With a gal in the mood The question's not woody but could he? 43 In my sweet little Alice Blue gown Was the first time I ever laid down, I was both proud and shy As he opened his fly And the moment I saw it I thought I would die. Oh it hung almost down to the ground, As it went in I made not a sound, The more that he shoved it The more that I loved it, As he came on my Alice Blue gown. 45 In my sweet little night gown of blue, On the first night that I slept with you, I was both shy and scared As the bed was prepared, And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue. As we both watched the break of day, And in peaceful submission I lay, You said you adored it But dammit, you tore it, My sweet little night gown of blue. 47 Winter is here with his grouch, The time when you sneeze and slouch. You can't take your women Canoein' or swimmin', But a lot can be done on a couch. 48 It always delights me at Hank's To walk up the old river banks. One time in the grass I stepped on an ass, And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks." 49 There was a young girl from Hong Kong Who said, "You are utterly wrong To say my vagina 's the largest in China Just because of your mean little dong." 50 There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel Who said, "They can all go to hell! What they do to my wife -- Why it ruins my life; And the worst is they all do it well." 51 There was a young man named Hughes Who swore off all kinds of booze. He said, "When I'm muddled My senses get fuddled, And I pass up too many screws." 52 There were three ladies of Huxham, And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em, And when that game grows stale We sits on a rail, And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em. 53 There was a young lady named Inge Who went on a binge with a dinge. Now I won't breathe a word O f what really occured -- But her cunt has a chocolate fringe. 54 An octagenerian Jew To his wife remained steadfastly true. This was not from compunction, But due to dysfunction Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you. 55 "Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay, "Come on, take it out, and let's play." He pulled it on out, But she started to pout, His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout. 56 A pansy who lived in Khartoum Took a lesbian up to his room, And they argued all night Over who had the right To do what, and with which, and to whom. 57 There was an old lady who lay With her legs wide apart in the hay, Then, calling the ploughman, She said, "Do it now, man! Don't wait till your hair has turned gray." 58 There was a young lady of Lee Who scrambled up into a tree, When she got there Her arsehole was bare, And so was her K U N T. 59 A worn-out young husband named Lehr Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer: "Slip on a sheath, quick, Then slip your big dick Between these lips covered with hair." 60 There was a young plumber of Leigh Who was plumbing a girl by the sea. She said, "Stop the plumbing, There's somebody coming!" Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." 61 Il y avait un plombier, Francois, Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois. Dit-elle, "Arretez! J'entends quelqu'un venait." Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi." 62 Es gibt ein Arbeiter von Tinz, Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz. Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen, Ich hore Mann kommen." "Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz." 63 Prope mare erat tubulator Qui virginem ingrediebatur. Dessine ingressus Audivi progressus: Est mihi inquit tubulator. 64 Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin? Some people say, Love finds a way, But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'. 65 In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too. His wife said, "Oh, stuff That philosophy guff Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!" 66 There was a young lady named Maud A terrible society fraud: In company, I'm told She was awfully cold. But if you got her alone, Oh God! 67 There was a young lady named May Who strolled in a park by the way, And she met a youg man Who fucked her and ran -- Now she goes to the park every day. 68 There once was a Swede in Minneapolis, Discovered his sex life was hapless: The more he would screw The more he'd want to, And he feared he would soon be quite sapless. 69 There was a young dolly named Molly Who thought that to frig was a folly. Said she, "Your pee-pee Means nothing to me, But I'll do it just to be jolly." 70 Of his face she thought not very much, But then, at the very first touch, Her attitude shifted -- He was terribly gifted At frigging and fucking and such. 71 The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard To make her fuck hot, but got flustered, And cried, "Oh, my dear, I am coming, I fear, But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'." 72 There was a young lad from Nahant Who was made like the Sensitve Plant. When asked, "Do you fuck?" He replied, "No such luck. I would if I could but I can't." 73 There was a young man of Natal Who was fucking a Hottentot gal. Said she, "You're a sluggard!" Said he, "You be buggered! I like to fuck slow and I shall." 74 There was a young man of Natal And Sue was the name of his gal. One day, north of Aden, He got his hard rod in, And came clear up Suez Canal. 75 There was a gay dog from Ontario Who fancied himself a Lothario. At a wench's glance He'd snatch off his pants And make for her Mons Venerio. 76 There was a young man of Ostend Who let a girl play with his end. She took hold of Rover, And felt it all over, And it did what she didn't intend. 77 There was a young man of Ostend Whose wife caught him fucking her friend. "It's no use, my duck, Interrupting our fuck, For I'm damned if I draw till I spend." 78 There was a young fellow from Parma Who was solemnly screwing his charmer. Said the damsel, demure, "You'll excuse me, I'm sure, But I must say you fuck like a farmer." 79 A newly-wed man of Peru Found himself in a terrible stew: His wife was in bed Much deader than dead, And so he had no one to screw. 80 There was a young girl of Pitlochry Who was had by a man in a rockery. Sh said, "Oh! You've come All over my bum; This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery." 81 There was a young lady from Prentice Who had an affair with a dentist. To make things easier He used anesthesia, And diddled her, `non compos mentis'. 82 There was a young man with a prick Which into his wife he would stick Every morning and night If it stood up all right -- Not a very remarkable trick. His wife had a nice little cunt: It was hairy, and soft, and in front, And with this she would fuck him, Though sometimes she'd suck him -- A charming, if commonplace, stunt. 84 There was a young man from Purdue Who was only just learning to screw, But he hadn't the knack, And he got too far back -- In the right church, but in the wrong pew. 85 A young lady sat on a quay, Just as propper as propper could be. A young fellow goosed her, And roughly seduced her, So she thanked him and went home to tea. 86 I once was annoyed by a queer Who made his intentions quite clear. Said I, "I'm no prude, So don't think me rude, But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed." 87 A young wife in the outskirts of Reims Preferred frigging to going to mass. Said her husband, "Take Jacques, Or any young cock, For I cannot live up to your ass." 88 The King named Oedipus Rex Who started this fuss about sex Put the world to great pains By the spots and the stains Which he made on his mother's pubex. 89 Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle Who said with a wink and a smile, "Sure, please stick it in, Be it thick be it thin, But if's rough I won't do as a file." 90 There was a young lady of Rhyll In an omnibus was taken ill, So she called the conductor, Who got in and fucked her, Which did more good than a pill. 91 There was a young German named Ringer Who was screwing an opera singer. Said he with a grin, "Well, I've sure got it in!" Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?" 92 A young violinist from Rio Was seducing a lady named Cleo. As she took down her panties She said, "No andantes; I want this allegro con brio!" 93 A young Juliet of St. Louis On a balcony stood acting screwy. Her Romeo climbed, But he wasn't well timed, And half-way up, off he went -- blooey! 94 Said a lecherous fellow named Shea, When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay, "You must sieze it, and squeeze it, And tease it, and please it, For Rome wasn't built in a day." 95 There was a young man from Siam Who said, "I go in with a wham, But I soon lose my starch Like the mad month of March, And the lion comes out like a lamb." 96 Prince Absalom lay with his sister And bundled and nibbled and kissed her, But the kid was so tight, And it was deep night -- Though he shot at the target, he missed her. 97 There was a young fellow named Skinner Who took a young lady to dinner At a quarter to nine They sat down to dine; At twenty to ten it was in her. The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner. There was a young fellow named Tupper Who took a young lady to supper. At a quarter to nine They sat down to dine, And at twenty to ten it was up her. Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner! 99 "My back aches. My penis is sore. I simply can't fuck any more. I'm dripping with sweat, And you haven't come yet; And, my God! it's a quarter to four!" 100 There was a young lady of Spain Who took down her pants on a train. There was ayoung porter Saw more than he orter, And asked her to do it again. 101 There was a young man of high station Who was found by a pious relation Making love in a ditch To -- I won't say a bitch -- But a woman of no reputation. 102 There once was a dentist named Stone Who saw all his patients alone. In a fit of depravity He filled the wrong cavity, And my, how his practice has grown! 103 A sailor who slept in the sun Woke to find his fly buttons undone. He remarked with a smile, "Jesus Christ, a sundial! And it's now a quarter past one." 104 A plumber whose name was Ten Brink Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink. Her resistance was stout, And Ten Bring petered out With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink. 105 The spouse of a pretty young thing Came home from the wars in the spring. He was lame but he came With his dame like a flame -- A discharge is a wondeful thing. 106 I wonder what my wife will want tonight; Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight? I wonder can she tell That I've been raising hell; Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight? My wife is just as nice as can be, I hope she doesn't feel to nice toward me, For an afternoon of joy Is hell on the old boy. I wonder what the wife will want tonight! 108 There's an unbroken babe from Toronto, Exceedingly hard to get onto, But when you get there, And have parted the hair, You can fuck her as much as you want to. 109 Une joile epousetta a Tours Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours. Mais le mari disait, "Non! De trop n'est pas bon! Mon derriere exige du secours!" 110 A pretty wife living in Tours Demanded her daily amour. But the husband said, "No! It's to much. Let it go! My backsides are dragging the floor." 111 In the shade of the old apple tree Where between her fat legs I could see A little brown spot With the hair in a knot, And it certainly looked good to me. I asked as I tickled her tit If she thought that my big thing would fit. She said it would do So we had a good screw In the shade of the old apple tree. In the shade of the old apple tree I got all that was coming to me. In the soft dewy grass I had a fine piece of ass From a maiden that was fine to see. I could hear the dull buzz of the bee As he sunk his grub hooks into me. Her ass it was fine But you should have seen mine In the shade of the old apple tree. 115 A lad from far-off Transvaal Was lustful, but tactful withal. He'd say, just for luck, "Mam'selle, do you fuck?" But he'd bow till he almost would crawl. 116 There was a young lady of Twickenham Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em. On her knees every day To god she would pray To lengthen and stregthen and thicken 'em. 117 There was a young lady named Twiss Who said she thought fucking a bliss, For it tickled her bum And caused her to come .siht gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW 118 There once was a husky young Viking Whose sexual prowess was striking. Every time he got hot He would scour the twat Of some girl that might be to his liking. 119 At the moment Japan declared war A sailor was fucking a whore. He said, "After this poke `Long and hard' ain't no joke; This means months till I get back ashore." 120 There was a young lady of Wheeling Said to her beau, "I've a feeling My little brown jug Has need of a plug" -- And straightaway she started to peeling. 121 Two anglers were fishing off Wight And his bobber was dipping all night. Murmured she, with a laugh, "It's ready to gaff, But don't break your rod which is light." A couple was fishing near Clombe When the maid began looking quite glum, And said, "Bother the fish! I'd rather coish!" Which they did -- which was why they had come. As two consular clerks in Madras Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass, "What a marvelous pole," Said she, "but control Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass." 124 Love letters no longer they write us, To their homes they so seldom invite us. It grieves me to say, They have learned with dismay, We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'. 125 There was a young student from Yale Who was getting his first piece of tail. He shoved in his pole, But in the wrong hole, And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!" 126 In the Garden of Eden lay Adam, Complacently stroking his madam, And loud was his mirth For on all of the earth There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. 127 There was a young bride of Antigua Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!" Said the girl, "What damn'd rot! Why, you've only felt my twot, My legs and my arse and my figua!" 128 There was a young damsel named Baker Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker. He yelled, "My God! what Do you call this -- a twat? Why, the entrance is more than an acre!" 129 There was once a mechanic named Bench Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench. With this vibrant device He could reach, in a trice, The innermost parts of a wench. 130 There was a young man of Bengal Who swore he had only one ball, But two little bitches Unbuttoned his britches, And found he had no balls at all. 131 A chippy who worked in Black Bluff Had a pussy as large as a muff. It had room for both hands And some intimate glands, And was soft as a little ducks's fluff. 132 There was a young lady named Blount Who had a rectangular cunt. She learned for diversion Posterior perversion, Since no one could fit here in front. 133 There was a young fellow named Bowen Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'. It grew so tremendous, So long and so pendulous, 'Twas no godd for fuckin' -- just showin'. 134 There was a young lady named Brent With a cunt of enormous extent, And so deep and so wide, The acoustics inside Were so good you could hear when you spent. 135 There was a young girl from the Bronix Who had a vagina of onyx. She had so much `tsoris' With her clitoris, She traded it in for a Packard. 136 There was a young lady from Brussels Who was proud of her vaginal muscles. She could easily plex them And so interflex them As to whistle love songs through her bustles. 137 There was a young lady of Bude Who walked down the street in the nude. A bobby said, "Whattum Magnificent bottom!" And slapped it as hard as he could. 138 There once was a queen of Bulgaria Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, Till a prince from Peru Who came up for a screw Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. 139 There was a young girl of Cah'lina, Had a very capricious vagina: To the shock of the fucker "Twould suddenly pucker, And whistle the chorus of "Dinah." 140 A lady with features cherubic Was famed for her area pubic. When they asked her its size She replied in surprise, "Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?" 141 There was a fat lady of China Who'd a really enormous vagina, And when she was dead They painted it red, And used it for docking a liner. 142 I met a young man in Chungking Who had a very long thing -- But you'll guess my surprise When I found that its size Just measured a third-finger ring! 143 There was a young man of Coblenz Whose ballocks were simply immense: It took forty-four draymen, A priest and three laymen To carry them thither and thence. 144 There was an old man of Connaught Whose prick was remarkably short. When he got into bed The old woman said, "This isn't a prick, it's a wart." 145 There once was a girl from Cornell Whose teats were shaped like a bell. When you touched them they shrunk, Except when she was drunk, And then they got bigger than hell. 146 There once was a lady of Crete So enormously broad in the beam That one day in the ocean She caused such commotion That Admiral Byrd claimed her for America. 147 There was a young fellow named Cribbs Whose cock was so big it had ribs. They were inches apart, And to suck it took art, While to fuck it took forty-two trips. 148 There was a young lady whose cunt Could accomodate a small punt. Her mother said, "Annie, It matches your fanny, Which never was that of a runt." 149 There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts, Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz. When one pireg is shot, There's that alternate twat, But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts. 150 There was a young man from Dallas Who had an exceptional phallus. He couldn't find room In any girl's womb Without rubbing it first with Vitalis. 151 There was a young girl of Des Moines Whose cunt could be fitted with coins, Till a guy from Hoboken Went and dropped in a token, And now she rides free on the ferry. 152 To his bride said the keen-eyed detective, "Can it be that my eyesight's defective? Has the east tit the least bit The best of the west tit, Or is it the faulty perspective?" 153 There was a young girl of Detroit Who at fucking was very adroit: She could squeeze her vagina To a pin-point, or finer, Or open it out like a quoit. And she had a friend named Durand Whose cock could contract or expand. He could diddle a midge Or the arch of a bridge -- Their performance together was grand! 155 There was a young man of Devizes Whose balls were of different sizes. His tool when at ease, Hung down to his knees, Oh, what must it be when it rises! 156 Visas erat: huic geminarum Dispar modus testicularum: Minor haec nihili, Palma triplici, Jam fecerat altera clarum. 157 There was a young fellow whose dong Was prodigiously massive and long. On each side of his whang Two testes did hang That attracted a curious throng. 158 There was a young man from East Wubley Whose cock was bifurcated doubly. Each quadruplicate shaft Had two balls hanging aft, And the general effect was quite lovely. 159 While I, with my usual enthusiasm, Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, She explained, "They are flat, But think nothing of that -- You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." 160 There was a young fellow from Florida Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her. When they got into bed He cried, "God strike me dead! This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!" 161 An old man at the Folies Bergere Had a jock, a most wondrous affair: It snipped off a twat-curl From each new chorus girl, And he had a wig made of the hair. 162 There was a young man with one foot Who had a very long root. If he used this peg As an extra leg Is a question exceedingly moot. 163 In the case of a lady named Frost, Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost, It's the best part of valor To bugger the gal, or You're apt to fall in and get lost. 164 A certain young person of Ghent, Uncertain if lady or gent, Shows his organs at large For a small handling charge To assist him in paying the rent. 165 There was an old woman of Ghent Who swore that her cunt had no scent. She got fucked so often At last she got rotten, And didn't she stink when she spent. 166 There was a young man from Glengozzle Who found a remarkable fossil. He knew by the bend And the wart on the end, 'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle. 167 There was a young fellow of Greenwich Whose balls were all covered with spinach. He had such a tool It was wound on a spool, And he reeled it out inich by inich. But this tale has an unhappy finich, For due to the sand in the spinach His ballocks grew rough And wrecked his wife's muff, And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage. 169 A mathematician named Hall Had a hexhedronical ball, And the cube of its weight Times his pecker, plus eight, Was four fifths of five eighths of fuck-all. 170 There was a young fellow of Harrow Whose john was the size of a marrow. He said to his tart, "How's this for a start? My balls are outside in a barrow." 171 There was a young fellow named Harry, Had a joint that was long, huge and scary. He pressed it on a virgin Who, without any urgin', Immeadiately spread like a fairy. 172 There was a young girl named Heather Whose twitcher was made out of leather. She made a queer noise, Which attracted the boys, By flapping the edges together. 173 There was an old curate of Hestion Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion. But so small was his tool He could scarce screw a spool, And a cunt was quite out of the question. 174 There was a young man from Hong Kong Who had a trifurcated prong: A small one for sucking, A large one for fucking, And a `boney' for beating a gong. 175 A fellow whose surname was Hunt Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt: This versatile spout Could be turned inside out, Like a glove, and be used a s a cunt. 176 Alas for the Countess d'Isere, Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair. Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!" When he parted her thighs; "Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre." 177 A highly aesthetic young Jew Had eyes of a heavenly blue; The end of his dillie Was shaped like a lilly, And his balls were too utterly two! 178 There once was a lady from Kansas Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas. It was nine inches deep And the sides were quite steep -- It had whiskers like General Carranza's. 179 Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent! Her cunt is so dreadfully bent, The poor wench doth stammer, "I need a sledgehammer To pound a man into my vent." 180 There was an old gent from Kentuck Who boasted a filigreed schmuck, But he put it away For fear that one day He might put it in and get stuck. 181 There was an old lady of Kewry Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae': The `introitus vaginae', Was unnaturally tiny, And the thought of it filled her with fury. 182 There was a young fellow named Kimble Whose prick was exceedingly nimble, But fragile and slender, And dainty and tender, So he kept it encased in a thimble. 183 There was a young man of Lahore Whose prick was one inch and no more. It was all right for key-holes And little girl's pee-holes, But not worth a damn with a whore. 184 There once was a horse named Lily Whose dingus was really a dilly. It was vaginoid duply, And labial quadruply -- In fact, he was really a filly. 185 There was a young fellow from Leeds Who swallowed a package of seeds. Great tufts of grass Sprouted out of his ass And his balls were all covered with weeds. 186 The wife of young Richard of Limerick Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick, Still grows in diameter Each time that you ram at her; How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?" 187 There was a young lady of Lincoln Who said that her cunt was a pink'un, So she had a prick lent her Which turned it magenta, This artful old lady of Lincoln. 188 There was a young girl of LLewellyn Whose breasts were as big as a melon. They were big it is true, But here cunt was big too, Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan. 189 A contortionist hailing from Lynch Used to rent out his tool by the inch. A foot cost a quid -- He could and he did Stretch it to three in a pinch. 190 There was a young man from Lynn Whose cock was the size of a pin. Said his girl with a laugh As she felt his staff, "This won't be much of a sin." 191 There was a young girl named McCall Whose cunt was exceedingly small, But the size of her anus Was something quite heinous -- It could hold seven pricks and one ball. 192 There was an old satyr named Mack Whose prick had a left handed tack. If the ladies he loves Don't spin when he shoves, Their cervixes frequently crack. 193 An envious girl named McMeanus Was jealous of her lover's big penis. It was small consolation That the rest of the nation Of women were with her in weeness. 194 There was a young man named McNamiter With a tool of prodigious diameter. But it wasn't the size Gave the girls a surprise, But his rythm -- iambic pentameter. 195 There was a young man of Madras Whose balls were constructed of brass. When jangled together They played "Stormy Weather," And lightning shot out of his ass. 196 A bad little girl in Madrid, A most reprehensible kid, Told her Tante Louise That her cunt smelled like cheese, And the worst of it was that it did! 197 There was ayoung man from Maine Whose prick was as strong as a crane; It was almost as long, So he strolled with his dong Extended in sunshine and rain. 198 There was a young girl from Medina Who could completely control her vagina. She could twist it around Like the cunts that are found In Japan, Manchukuo and China. 199 There was a young fellow named Morgan Who possessed an unusual organ: The end of his dong, Which was nine inches long, Was tipped with the head of a gorgon. 200 There was a young soldier from Munich Whose penis hung down past his tunic, And their chops girls would lick When they thought of his prick, But alas! he was only a eunuch. 201 There was a young lady of Natchez Who chanced to be born with two snatches, And she often said, "Shit! Why, I'd give either tit For a man with equipment that matches." There was a young fellow named Locke Who was born with a two-headed cock. When he'd fondle the thing It would rise up and sing An antiphonal chorus by Bach. But whether these two ever met Has not been recorded as yet, Still, it would be diverting To see him inserting His whang while it sang a duet. 204 A girl of uncertain nativity Had an ass of extreme sensitivity While she sat on the lap Of a German or Jap, She could sense Fifth Column activity. 205 There was a gay parson of Norton Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un. To make up for this loss, He had balls like a horse, And never spent less than a quartern. 206 A farmer I know named O'Doole Had a long and incredible tool. He can use it to plow, Or to diddle a cow, Or just as a cue-stick at pool. 207 A chap down in Oklahoma Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, But the sweetness of pitch Couldn't put off the hitch Of impotence, size and aroma. 208 There was a young girl named O"Malley Who wanted to dance in the ballet. She got roars of applause When she kicked off her drawers, But her hair and her bush didn't tally. 209 There was a young maiden from Osset Whose quim was nine inches across it. Said a young man named Tong, With tool nine inches long, "I'll put bugger-in if I loss it." 210 "The testes are cooler outside," Said the doc to the curious bride, "For the semen must no Get too fucking hot, And the bag fans your bum on the ride." 211 There was a young fellow named Paul Who confessed, "I have only one ball. But the size of my prick Is God's dirtiest trick, For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'" 212 There was a young girl of Pawtucket Whose box was as big as a bucket. Her boy-friend said, "Toots, I'll have to wear boots, For I see I must muck it, not fuck it." 213 When I was a baby, my penis Was as white as the buttocks of Venus. But now 'this as red As her nipples instead-- All because of the feminie genus! 214 Two roosters in one of our pens Found their pricks were no larger than wens. As they looked at their foreskins And wished they had more skins, They discovered they'd both become hens. 215 There was a young fellow of Perth Whose balls were the finest on earth. They grew to such size That one won a prize, And goodness knows what they were worth. 216 To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish! Your cunt is as big as a dish!" She replied, "Why, you fool, With your limp little tool It's like driving a nail with a fish!" 217 A very odd pair are the Pitts: His balls are as large as here tits, Her tits are as large As an invasion barge-- Neither knows how the other cohabits. 218 A young man from the banks of the Po Found his cock had elongated so, That when he'd pee It was not he But only his neighbors who'd know. 219 There was a young fellow named Prynne Whose prick was so short and so thin, His wife found she needed A Fuckoscope--she did-- To see if he'd gotten in. 220 A beautiful lady named Psyche Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. One thing about Ike The lady can't like Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. 221 There was a fat man from Rangoon Whose prick was much like a ballon. He tried hard to ride her And when finally inside her She thought she was pregnant too soon. 222 There was a young fellow called Rex With diminutive organs of sex. When charged with exposure He said with composure, "De minimis non curat lex!" 223 There was a young lady named Riddle Who had an untouchable middle. She had many friends Because of her ends, Since it isn't the middle you diddle. 224 There was a young man from Salinas Who had an extremely long penis: Believe it or not, When he lay on his cot It reached from Marin to Martinez. 225 There was a young harlot named Schwartz Whose cock-pit was studded with warts, And they tickled so nice She drew a high price From the studs at the summer resorts. Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle, Was seldom hard up for a didle, For according to rumor His tool had a tumor And a fine row of warts down the middle. Her brother, a bastard named Ben, Could rotate his pecker, and then He would shoot through his rear Which made him dear Of the girls, and the envy of men. Her other young brother, named Saul, Was able to bounce either ball, He could stretch them and snap them, And juggle and clap them, Which earned him the plaudits of all. 229 The skater, Barbara Ann Scott Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot, That when posed on her toes She elaborately shows Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat. 230 A cowhand way out in Seattle Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. He said, "No, I can't fuck A lamb or a duck, But golly! it just fits the cattle." 231 There was a young man from Seattle Whose testicles tended to rattle. He said as he fucked Some stones in a bucket, "If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll." 232 There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock, But her cunt's got a pucker That's best not to fuck, or When least you expect it to, it'll lock. 233 There was an old fellow named Skinner Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner. But still, by and large, It would always discharge Once he could just get it in her. 234 An ingenious young man in South Bend Made a synthetic arse for a friend, But the friend shortly found Its construction unsound, It was simply a bother -- no end. 235 An aesthete from South Carolina Had a cock that tickled like China, But while shooting his load It cracked like old Spode, So he's bought him a Steuben vagina. 236 There was a young blade from South Greece Whose bush did so greatly increase That before he could shack He must hunt needle in stack. 'Twas as bad as being obese. 237 There was a young lady from Spain Whose face was exceedingly plain, But her cunt had a pucker That made the men fuck her, Again, and again, and again. 238 Il y avait une madame de Lahore Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure, Mais la vagine tres forte, Toujours ouverte la porte, Encore, et encore, et encore. 239 De Hispanice puella verumque Simplex oris verborumque Tulit potens vagina Hominum agmina Iterum iterum iterumque. 240 There once was a girl from Spokane Went to bed with a one-legged man. She said, "I know you -- You've really got two! Why didn't you say so when we began?" 241 There was a young man from Stamboul Who boasted so torrid a tool That each female crater Explored by this satyr Seemed almost unpleasanlty cool. 242 There was a young fellow of Strensall Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil. On the night of his wedding It went through the bedding, And shattered the chamber utensil. So here was this fellow of Strensall Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil, Anemic, 'tis true, But an interesting screw, Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile. 244 A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies, Renowned for the length of their peenies. The hair on their balls Sweeps the floors of their halls, But they don't look at women, the meanies. 245 There was an old man of Tagore Whose tool was a yard long or more, So he wore the damn thing In a surgical sling To keep it from wiping the floor. 246 There was a young lady whose thighs, When spread showed a slit of such size, And so deep and so wide, You could play cards inside -- Much to her bridegroom's surprise. 247 There was a young hayseed from Tiffan Whose cock would constantly stiffen. The knob out in front Attracted foul cunt Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'. 248 There's a charming young girl in Tobruk Who refers to her quiff as a nook. It's deep and it's wide, -- You can curl up inside With a nice easy chair and a book. 249 There was a gay parson of Tooting Whose roe he was frequently shooting, Till he married a lass With a face like my arse, And a cunt you could put a top-boot in. 250 There was a young man of Toulouse Who had a deficient prepuce, But the foreskin he lacked He made up in his sac; The result was, his balls were too loose. 251 A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket Had a hole as big as a basket. A spot, as a bride, In it now, you could hide, And include with your luggage your mascot. 252 A young man maintained that his trigger Was so big that there weren't any bigger. But this long and thick pud Was so heavy it could Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor. 253 A cautious young fellow named Tunney Had a whang that was worth any money. When eased in half-way, The girl's sigh made him say, "Why the sigh?" "For ths rest of it, honey." 254 There was an old man who said, "Tush! My balls always hang in the brush, And I fumble about, Half in and half out, With a pecker as limber as mush." 255 A pious old woman named Tweak Had taught her vagina to speak. It was frequently liable To quote from the Bible, But when fucking -- not even a squeak! 256 There once was a newspaper vendor, A person of dubious gender. He would charge one-and-two For permission to view His remarkable double pudenda. 257 A maiden who lived in Virginny Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny. The horsey set rushed her, But success finally crushed her For her tone soon became harsh and tiny. 258 There was a young of Warwick Who had reason for feeling euphoric, For he could by election Have triune erection: Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric. 259 When he tried to inject his huge whanger A young man aroused his girl's anger. As they strove in the dark She was heard to remark, "What you need is a zeppelin hanger." 260 There was a young squaw of Wohunt Who possessed a collapsible cunt. It had many odd uses, Produced no papooses, And fitted both giant and runt. 261 There was a young laundress named Wrangle Whose tits tilted up at an angle. "They may tickle my chin," She said with a grin, "But at least they keep out of the mangle." 262 An organist playing in York Had a prick that could hold a small fork, And between obbligatos He'd munch at tomatoes, And keep up his trength while at work. 263 There was a young man named Zerubbabel Who had only one real, and one rubber ball. When they asked if his pleasure Was only half measure, He replied, "That is highly improbable." 264 There was a young man named Zerubbabub Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club But the pride of his life Were the tits of his wife -- One real, and one India-rubber bub. 265 Thus spake I AM THAT I AM: "For the Virgin I don't give a damn. What pleases me most Is to bugger the Ghost, And then be sucked off by the Lamb." 266 Asi dije YO SOY QUE YO SOY: "Por La Virgen un carajo no doy. Lo que debe gustar Es Jesus caporar -- Y para hacerlo Yo voy." 267 Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches Got on with her grooms and her wenches: She went down on the gents, And pronged the girl's vents With a clitoris reaching six inches. 268 There was a young lady named Astor Who never let any get past her. She finally got plenty By stopping twenty, Which certainly ought to last her. 269 Oden the bardling averred His muse was the bum of a bird, And his Lesbian wife Would finger his fife While Fisherwood waited as third. 270 There was a young fellow named Babbitt Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, But a girl from Johore Could do it twice more, Which was just enough extra to crab it. 271 A young polo-player of Berkeley Made love to his sweetheart beserkly. In the midst of each chukker He would break off and fuck her Horizontally, laterally and verkeley. 272 There once was a jolly old bloke Who picked up a girl for a poke. He took down her pants, Fucked her into a trance, And then shit into her shoe for a joke. 273 There was a young idler named Blood, Made a fortune performing at stud, With a fifteen-inch peter, A double-beat metre, And a load like the Biblical Flood. 274 Though the invalid Saint of Brac Lay all of his life on his back, His wife got her share, And the pilgrims now stare At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque. 275 There was an old man of Brienz The length of whose cock was immense: With one swerve he could plug A boy's bottom in Zug, And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz. 276 There once was a Duchess of Bruges Whose cunt was incredibly huge. Said the king to this dame As he thunderously came: "Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" 277 There was an old man of Cajon Who never could get a good bone. With the aid of a gland It grew simply grand; Now his wife cannot leave it alone. 278 There was a young girl of Cape Cod Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God. But it wasn't Jehovah That turned the girl over, 'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger, The bugger, the bastard, the sod! 279 There once was a lady named Carter, Fell in love with a virile young Tartar. She stripped off his pants, At his prick quickly glanced, And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!" 280 A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm, Was renowned for her fine paroxysm. While the man detumesced She still spent on with zest, Her rapture sheer anachronism. 281 There was a young man in the choir Whose penis rose higher and higher, Till it reached such a height It was quite out of sight -- But of course you know I'm a liar. 282 There a young man from the Coast Who had an affair with a ghost. At the height of orgasm Said the pallid phantasm, "I think I can feel it -- almost!" 283 Have you heard of the lady named Cox Who had a capacious old box? When her lover was in place She said, "Please turn your face. I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox." 284 A team playing baseball in Dallas Called the umpire a shit out of malice. While this worthy had fits The team made eight hits And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 285 There was a young girl of Darjeeling Who could dance with such exquisite feeling There was never a sound For miles around Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. 286 There was a young woman in Dee Who stayed with each man she did see. When it came to a test She wished to be best, And practice makes perfect, you see. 287 There was a family named Doe, An ideal family to know. As father screwed mother, She said, "You're heavier than brother." And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!" 288 A lady, by passion deluded, Found an African drunk and denuded, And -- fir as a fiddle, And hot for a diddle -- She tied splints to his penis and screwed it. 289 There was a strong man of Drumrig Who one day did seven times frig. He buggered three sailors, Four Jews and two tailors, And ended by fucking a pig. 290 There was an old man of Duluth Whose cock was shot off in his youth. He fucked with his nose And with fingers and toes, And he came through a hole in his tooth. 291 There was an old man of Duddee Who came home as drunk as could be. He wound up the clock With the end of his cock, And buggered his wife with the key. 292 A rapturous young fellatrix One day was at work on five pricks. With an unholy cry She whipped out her glass eye: "Tell the boys I can now take on six." 293 There was a young man with a fiddle Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?" She replied, "Yes, I do, But prefer to with two -- It's twice as much fun in the middle." 294 I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?" I replied, "Simple shagging Without any wagging Is only for screwing canoeing." 295 There was a young fellow named Fletcher, Was reputed an infamous lecher. When he'd take on a whore She'd need a rebore, And they'd carry him out on a stretcher. 296 A young fellow discovered through Freud That although of penis devoid, He could practice coitus By eating a foetus, And his parents were quite overjoyed. 297 There was a young man from Jodhpur Who found he could easily cure His dread diabetes By eating a foetus Served up in a sauce of manure. 298 There once was a sailor named Gasted, A swell guy, as long as he lasted, He could jerk himself off In a basket, aloft, Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead. 299 There was a young girl of Gibraltar Who was raped as she knelt at the altar. It really seems odd That a virtuous God Should answer her prayers and assault her. 300 A young man with passions quite gingery Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. He slapped her behind And made up his mind To add incest to insult and injury. 301 A passionate red-headed girl, When you kissed her, her senses would whirl, And her twat would get wet And would wiggle and fret, And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl. 302 There was a young lady named Gloria Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier, And then by six men, Sir Gerald again, And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 303 Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester, She obliges all who accost her. She welcomes the prick Of Tom, Harry or Dick, Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor. 304 The latest reports from Good Hope State that apes there have pricks thick as rope, And fuck high, wide, and free, From the top of one tree To the top of the next -- what a scope! 305 A newlywed couple from Goshen Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. In twenty-eight days They got laid eighty ways -- Imagine such fucking devotion! 306 There was a young fellow named Grimes Who fucked his girl seventeen times In the course of a week -- And this isn't to speak Of assorted venereal crimes. 307 There was a young lady named Hatch Who would always come through in a scratch. If a guy wouldn't neck her, She'd grab up his pecker And shove the damn thing up her snatch. 308 There was a young lady named Hilda Who went for a walk with a builder. He knew that he could, And he should, and he would -- And he did -- and he goddam near killed her! 309 Cum Hilde autem ambulabat Homo qui aedificabat. Dixit volebat. Debet et potebat. Sic ille ducebat. Statim faciebat. Sed virginem pine necebat. 310 I know of a fortunate Hindu Who is sought in the towns that he's been to By the ladies he knows, Who are thrilled to the toes By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do. 311 If you're speaking of actions immoral The how about giving the laurel To doughty Queen Esther, No three men could best her -- One fore, and one aft, and one oral. 312 There was a young miss from Johore Who'd lie on a mat on the floor; In a manner uncanny She'd wobble her fanny, And drain your nuts dry to the core. 313 There was a young fellow of Kent Whose prick was so long that it bent, So to save himself trouble He put it in double, And instead of coming he went. 314 There was a young man of Kildare Who was fucking a girl on the stair. The bannister broke, But he doubled his stroke And finished her off in mid-air. 315 A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll While bent over plucking a dingle Had the whole of Eisteddfod Taking turns at his pod While they sang some impossible jingle. 316 There once were two brothers named Luntz Who buggered each other at once. When asked to account For this intricate mount, They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts." 317 There was a young lady named Mable Who liked to sprawl out on the table, Then cry to her man, "Stuff in all you can -- Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able." 318 An impotent Scot named MacDougall Had to husband his sperm and be frugal. He was gathering semen To gender a he-man, By screwing his wife through a bugle. 319 There once was a girl named Mcgoffin Who was diddled amazingly often. She was rogered by scores Who'd been turned down by whores, And was finally screwed in her coffin. 320 A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson, Was having a captive, a person Who was not averse Though she had the curse, And he'd breeches of bristling furs on. 321 There was a young Scot in Madrid Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid. When they said, "Are you faint?" He replied, "No, I ain't, But I don't feel as good as I did." 322 There was a young fellow of Mayence Who fucked his own arse, in defiance Not only of custom And morals, dad-bust him, But most of the known laws of science. 323 The woman who lives on the moon Is still cherishing the balloon Of an earthling who'd come And given her some, But had dribbled away all too soon. 324 There is a young faggot named Mose Who insists that you fuck his long nose. And you'll double the joy Of this lecherous boy If you'll tickle his balls with your toes. 325 There was an Old Man of the Mountain Who frigged himself into a fountain Fifteen times had he spent, Still he wasn't content, He simply got tired of the counting. 326 There was a young lady named Nance Who learned about fucking in France, And when you'd insert it She'd squeeze till she hurt it, And shoved it right back in your pants. 327 A studious professor named Nestor Bet a whore all his books that he could best her. But she drained out his balls And skipped up the walls, Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her. 328 The late Brigham Young was no neuter -- No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter. Where ten thousand virgins Succumbed to his urgin's There now stands the great State of Utah. 329 There was a young girl of Newcastle Whose charms were declared universal. While one man in front Wired into her cunt, Anothere was engaged at her arsehole. 330 There was a young girl from New York Who plugged up her cunt with a cork. A woodpecker or two Made the grade it is true, But it totally baffled the stork. Till along came a man who presented A tool that was strangely indented. With a dizzying twirl He punctured that girl, And thus was the cork-screw invented. 332 There was a young girl named O'Clare Whose body was covered with hair. It was really quite fun To probe with one's gun, For her quimmy might be anywhere. 333 There once was a gay young Parisian Who screwed an appendix incision, And the girl of his choice Could hardly rejoice At the horrible lack of precision. 334 While spending the winter at Pau Lady Pamela forgot to say "No." So the head-porter made her The second-cook laid her; The waiters were all hanging low. 335 There was a young girl of Penzance Who boarded a bus in a trance. The passengers fucked her, Likewise the conductor. The driver shot off in his pants. 336 The Shah of the Empire of Persia Lay for days in a sexual merger. When the nautch asked the Shah, "Won't you ever withdraw?" He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia." 337 A remarkable race are the Persians, They have such peculiar diversions. They screw the whole day In a regular way, And save up the nights for perversions. 338 There was a young girl of Rangoon Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon. "Well, it has been great fun," She remarked when he'd done, "But I'm sorry you came quite so soon." 339 There was a young lady named Ransom Who was rogered three times in a hansom. When she cried out for more A voice from the floor Said, "My name is Simpson, not Samson." 340 A maestro directing in Rome Had a quaint way of driving it home. Whoever he climbed Had to keep her tail timed To the beat of his old metronome. 341 "Last night," said a lassie named Ruth, "In a long-distance telephone booth, I enjoyed the perfection Of an ideal connection -- I was screwed, if you must know the truth." 342 Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad; Of all the girls that I've had, None gave me the thrill Of real rapture until I learned how to be a tribade." 343 There once was a handsome young seaman Who with ladies was really a demon. In peace or in war, At sea or on shore, He could certainly dish out the semen. 344 Said a girl being had in a shanty, "My dear, you have got it in slanty." He replied, "I can use Any angle I choose. I ride as I please -- I'm Duranty!" 345 An old couple just at Shrovetide Were having a piece -- when he died. The wife for a week Sat tight on his peak, And bounced up and down as she cried. 346 My wife is an amorous soul On fire for an African's pole. She told a coon chauffeur That he was her gopher -- And, say, did he go for her hole! As he creamed my wife's cunt, the coon said, "I could fuck this until she was dead!" As he plugged up her trough, I jerked myself off; "If that's how you feel, go ahead!" 348 There was a young lady of Spain Who was fucked by a monk in a drain. They did it again And again and again, And again and again and again. (1) A habit depraved and unsavory Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery Midst screeches and howls He deflowered young owls Which he kept in an underground aviary. (2) While Titian was mixing rose madder His model ascended the ladder Her position to Titian Suggested coition So he mounted the ladder and had her. (3) There was a young girl from New York Who plugged up her quim with a cork A woodpecker or two Made the grade, it is true, But it totally baffled the stork. (4) A remarkable race are the Persians, They have such peculiar diversions. They screw the whole day In the regular way, And save up the nights for perversions. (5) There was a young lady named Ransom Who was raped three times in a hansom When she cried out for more Said a voice from the floor, "My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson! (6) There was a young man from Tibet- And this is the strangest one yet- Whose tool was so long, So pointed and strong, He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette". (7) There's an oversexed lady named Whyte Who insists on a dozen a night. A fellow named Cheddar Had the brashness to wed her- His chance of survival is slight. (8) A worried young man from Stamboul Discovered red spots on his tool. Said the doctor, a cynic, "Get out of my clinic! Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool." (9) A broken-down harlot named Tupps Was heard to confess in her cups: "The height of my folly Was diddling a collie- But I got a nice price for the pups." (10) There was an old whore in the Azores Whose body was covered with festers & sores. Why the dogs in the street Wouldn't eat the green meat That hung in festoons from her drawers. (11) There was a young poet named Dan, Whose poetry never would scan. When told this was so, He said,"Yes, I know, It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can. (12) There was an old hermit named Dave Who kept a dead whore in his cave. He said "I'll admit I'm a bit of a shit, But look at the money I save." (13) A scandal involving an oyster Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister She preferred it, in bed, To the count, (so she said) 'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister. (14) There once was a bishop from Birmingham Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em. As they knelt on the hassock He lifted his cassock And slipped his Episcopal worm in 'em. (15) There was an old pirate named Bates Who was learning to rhumba on skates He fell on his cutlass Which rendered him nutless And practically useless on dates. (16) On the breasts of a harlot from Yale Was tatooed the price of her tail And on her behind, For the sake of the blind, Was the same information in Braille. (17) If continence causes neurosis And intercourse causes thrombosis I'd rather expire Fulfilling desire Than live in a state of psychosis. (18) There Was a young lady named Rose With erogenous zones in her toes. She remained onanistic Till a foot-fetishistic Young man became one of her beaux. (19) There was a young man named Rex Who really was small for his sex. When tried for exposure The judge's disclosure Was "De minimus non curat lex." (20) There was a young fellow from Kent Whose cock was so long that it bent To save himself trouble He put it in double And instead of coming, he went. (21) There was a young man from Nantucket Whose cock was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin, While wiping his chin, "If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." (22) Said the nun as the bishop withdrew, "This must be our final adieu, For the vicar is slicker, And thicker, and quicker, And two inches longer than you." (23) A scream from the crypt of St. Giles Resounded for miles upon miles. Said the friar, "Good gracious, The brother Ignatious Forgeteth the abbot hath piles." (24) There was a young man named Laplace Whose balls were made out of spun glass. When they banged together They played "Stormy Weather" And lightning shot out of his ass. (25) There was a young man named Knute Who had warts all over his root. He put acid on these And now when he pees, He fingers the thing like a flute. (26) A sweetheart named Teresa Arden Went down on her beau in the garden. He said, "Good lord, Tess, Don't swallow that mess!" And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" (27) A physical fellow named Fisk Could screw at a rate very brisk. So fast was his action The Fitzgerald contraction Would shrink up his rod to a disk. (28) There was a young lady named Bright Who could travel much faster than light. She took off one day, In a relative way, And returned on the previous night. (29) A computer called ILLIAC4 Had a rather tough bug in its core. It chewed up its cards And spewed yards and yards Of illegible tape on the floor. (30) There once was a couple named Kelly Who walked around belly-to-belly. It seems in their haste, They used Carter's paste Instead of petroleum jelly. (31) An amazon giantess named Dunne Let a midget screw her for fun. But the poor little runt Was engulfed in her cunt And re-born as the twin of his son. (32) There was an old maid from Cape Cod Who thought all good things came from god. But it wasn't the almighty Who lifted her nighty, It was Roger, the lodger, by god. (33) There was a young man from Bel-aire Who was screwing his girl on the stair. But the banister broke So he doubled his stroke And finished her off in mid-air. (34) An architect fellow named Yoric Could, when feeling euphoric, Display for selection Three kinds of erection- Corinthian, Ionic, and Doric. (35) A gay young prince from Morocco Made love in a manner Rococco. He painted his penis To resemble a Venus And flavored his semen with cocoa. (36) A frustrated lady named Alice Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. They found her vagina In North Carolina And bits of her tits were in Dallas. (37) There was a young man from Boston Who rode around in an Austin. There was room for his ass And a gallon of gas, But his balls hung out and he lost 'em. (38) There was a young monk from Siberia Whose life got drearia' and drearia' Till he did to a nun What shouldn't be done And made her a mother superia'. (39) There was a young lady from Wheeling Who had a peculiar feeling. She laid on her back And tickled her crack And pissed all over the ceiling. (40) On a ship wrecked far out at sea, The girl said, "I can't seem to pee." "Aha!" said the mate, "That settles the fate Of the captain, the pilot, and me." (41) There was a young man from Bear Ridge Who had strange ideas about marriage. He fucked his wife's mother And sucked off her brother And ate up her sister's miscarriage. (42) A clever young man named Eugene Invented a jack-off machine. On the twenty-third stroke The goddam thing broke And beat both his balls to a creame. (43) There was a young man from Racine Who invented a fucking machine. Concave or convex, It served either sex, But oh what a bitch to keep clean. (44) A pansy who lived in Khartoum Took a lesbian up to his room. They argued all night Over who had the right To do what, with which, and to whom. (45) There once was a girl from Madras Who had such a beautiful ass - It was not round and pink ( As you bastards think ) But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. (46) A maiden who travelled in France Once got on a train, just by chance. The engineer fucked her, The conductor sucked her, And the fireman came in his pants. (47) There was a young man from Dundee Who buggered an ape in a tree. The results were quite horrid: All ass and no forehead, Three balls and a purple goatee. (48) There was a young man from Rangoon Who used to lament 'neath the moon That he had the luck To be born of a fuck That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. (49) A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds Once swallowed a package of seeds. In a month, his ass Was covered with grass And his balls were grown over with weeds. (50) An ardent young man named Magruder Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda. She thought it quite lewd To be wooed in the nude, But Magruder was shrewder, he screwed her. (51) Have you heard about Magda Lupescu, Who came to Rumania's rescue? It's a wonderful thing To be under a king-- Is democracy better, I esk you? (52) There once was a gangster named Brown - The sneakiest bastard in town. He was caught by G-men Shooting his semen Where the cops would slip and fall down. (53) There was a young girl from Decatur Who was raped by an alligator. But no one quite knew How she relished that screw, For after he screwed her, he ate her. (54) The acrobats - Tom and Louise- Do an act in the nude on their knees. They crawl down the aisle While screwing dog-style, As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees." (55) "Well, I took your advice, doc," said Knopp, "And told my wife to try it on top. She bounced for an hour, Till she ran out of power, And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop." (56) There was a young man from St. Paul's Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's" Till he grew such a passion For feminine fashion That he knitted a snood for his balls. (57) There was a young lady from Rio Who slept with the fornier trio. As she dropped her panties She said, "No andanties! I want this allegro con brio." (58) There was an old bishop from Buckingham Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em. His wife with distain Could scarcely restrain That sprightly old bishop from * * *. (59) A greedy young lady from Sidney Liked it in up to her kidney, Till a man from Quebec Shoved it up to her neck-- He really diddled her, didn' he? (60) A pretty young lady named Vogel Once sat herself down on a molehill. A curious mole Nosed into her hole- Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. (61) There once was a fellow named Potts Who was prone to having the trots But his humble abode Was without a commode So his carpet was covered with spots. (62) A trapper named Francois Lefebrve Once captured and buggered a beabrve. The result of this fuck Was a three titted duck, A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve. (63) There was an old whore from Silesia Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya, For a slight extra sum You can go up my bum But watch out or my tapeworm'll seize ya." (64) For the sores on his prick he used Dial. That failed; he gave Lava a trial. But the one remedy For contagious V.D. Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. (65) A cute little twerp from Samoa Had a cock of one inch and no moa. It was good for keyholes And debutantes' peeholes But not worth a damn on a whoa. (66) There was a young fellow called Clyde Who fell in an outhouse and died. He had a twin brother Who fell in another So now they're interred side by side. (67) A lusty young maid from Seattle Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle; Till she found a bull Who filled her so full It made both her ovaries rattle. (68) There once was a man with a hernia Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya, When you work on my middle Be sure you don't fiddle With things that do not concern ya." (69) A princess who reigned in Baroda Made her home on a purple pagoda. She festooned the walls Of her halls with the balls And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'. (70) A lady, while dining in Crewe, Found an elephant's whang in her stew. Said the waiter, "Don't shout Or wave it about Or the others will ask for one, too." (71) There was a young plumber named Lee Who was plumbing his girl by the sea. She said, "Stop your plumbing, There's somebody coming!" Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!" (72) There was a young lady from Exeter, So pretty that men craned their necks at her. One was even so brave As to take out and wave The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. (73) In the garden of Eden lay Adam, Complacently stroking his madam And loud was his mirth For on all of the Earth There were only two balls and he had 'em. (74) A mathematician named Hall Has a hexahedronical ball, And the cube of its weight Times his pecker's plus eight Is his phone number - give him a call. (75) There was a young harlot from Kew Who filled her vagina with glue. She said with a grin, "If they pay to get in, They'll pay to get out of it too." (76) There was an old count of Swoboda Who would not pay a whore what he owed her. So, with great savoir-faire, She stood on a chair And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda. (77) There was a young man in Havana, -Banged his girl on a player-piana. At the height of their fever Her ass hit the lever - And: Yes! He has no banana! (78) She begged and she pleaded for more. I said, "We've already had four, And I'm sure that you've heard, Though its somewhat absurd, That eros spelt backwards is sore." (79) There once was a horny old bitch With a motorized self-frigger which She would use with delight All day long and all night - Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch. (80) A geneticist living in Delft Scientifically played with himself, And when he was done He labelled it: Son, And filed him away on a shelf. (81) Said Einstein, "I have an equation Which to some may seem Rabelaisian: Let V be Virginity Approaching infinity; Let P be a constant persuasion; Let V over P be Inverted With the square root of Mu inserted N times into V ... The Result, Q E D, Is a relative!" Einstein Asserted. (82) The sexual desires of the camel are greater than anyone thinks. Why once in a moment of passion one tried to deflower the sphinx Now the sphinx's posterior orifice is clogged with the sands of the nile Which accounts for the hump on the camel's back and the sphinx's inscrutable smile. (83) The new cinematic emporium Is not just a super-sensorium, But a highly effectual Heterosexual Mutual masturbatorium. (84) An artist who lived in Australia Once painted his ass like a dahlia. The drawing was fine, The colour - devine, The scent - Ah! that was a failia. (85) There was a young man of Devizes, Whose balls were of different sizes. One was so small, It was nothing at all; The other took numerous prizes. (86) A talented girl from Detroit Could fuck you in ways quite adroit. She could squeeze her vagina To a pin-point or finer Or open it out like a quoit. (87) There was a young royal marine, Who tried to fart "God Save The Queen". When he reached the soprano Out came only guano And his britches weren't fit to be seen. (88) Il y avait un jeune homme de Dijon, Qui n'avait que peu de religion. Il dit: "Quant a' moi, Je deteste tous les trois, Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-" (89) There was a young girl of Spitzbergen, Whose people all thought her a virgin, Till they found her in bed With her twat very red, And the head of a kid just emergin'. (90) There was a young girl from Samoa Who pledged that no man would know her. One young fellow tried, But she wriggled aside, And he spilled all his spermatozoa. (91) There was a young lady named Wylde Who kept herself quite undefiled By thinking of Jesus; Contagious diseases; And the bother of having a child. (92) There was a young lady from Spain Who got sick as she rode on a train; Not once, but again, And again, and again, And again, and again, and again. (93) There was a young girl from St. Paul Who went to a newspaper ball. Her dress caught on fire And burnt her entire Front page and sport section and all. (94) A silly young man from Hong Kong Had hands that were skinny and long. He ate rice with his fingers-- The taste of it lingers, But now all his fingers are gone. (95) According to experts, the oyster In its shell - a crustacean cloister - May frequently be Either he or a she Or both, if it should be its choice ter. (96) The cruelest of creatures the crab With claws that can pinch you or stab, And then when you dine On crab and white wine It gets you as well with the tab. (97) That naughty old Sappho of Greece Said: "What I prefer to a piece Is to have my pudenda Rubbed hard by the enda The little pink nose of my niece." <12th Letter> (98) Two eager young men from Cawnpore Once buggared and fucked the same whore. But her partition split And the blood and the shit Rolled out in a mess on the floor. (99) There was a young girl from Peru, Who noticed her lovers were few; So she walked out her door With a fig leaf, no more, And now she's in bed - with the flu. (100) There was a young lady from Spain Who demurely undressed on a train. A helpful young porter Helped more than he orter, And she promptly cried, "Help me again!" (101) A pretty young maiden from France Decided she'd just "Take a chance." She let herself go For an hour or so And now all her sisters are aunts. (102) A team playing baseball in Dallas Called the umpire blind out of malice. While this worthy had fits The team made eight hits And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. (103) A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude, Saw a man come along And, unless I am wrong, You expected this line to be lewd. (104) She wasn't what one could call pretty And other girls offered her pity, So nobody guessed That her Wasserman test Involved half the men in the city. (105) There was a young lady from Norway Who hung by her heels in a doorway. She told her young man, "Get off the divan, I think I've discovered one more way!" (106) There was a young girl who begat Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat. T'was fun in the breeding But hell in the feeding When she found there's no tit for tat. (107) A girl camper once had an affair With a fellow all covered with hair. When she gave him his hat She realized that She'd been had by Smokey the bear. (108) A busy young lady named Gloria Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier And then by six men, Sir Gerald again, And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. (109) Oh pity the prince, Montezuma! He tried to make love to a puma. Seems the puma, in play, Tore his testes away - - An example of animal huma. (110) A cautious young fellow named Lodge Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. When his date was strapped in, He committed a sin, Without even leaving his grodge. (111) A progressive professor named Winners Held classes each evening for sinners. They were graded and spaced So the vile and debased Would not be held back by beginners. (112) To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective, "Can it be that my eyesight's defective? Is your east tit the least bit The best of your west tit, Or is it a trick of perspective?" (113) There once was a lady named Myrtle Who had an affair with a turtle. She had crabs, so they say, In a year and a day Which proved that that turtle was fertile. (114) There was a young lad - name of Durcan Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. His father said, "Durcan! Stop jerkin' your gherkin! Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. (115) There once was a man from Sandem Who was making his girl on a tandem. At the peak of the make She jammed on the brake And scattered his semen at random. (116) There once was a fellow named Brewster Who said to his wife, as he goosed her, "It used to be grand But look at my hand! You're not wiping as clean as ya uster." (117) A petulant man once said, "Pish! Your cunt is as big as a dish." She replied, "Why you fool, With your limp little tool, It's like driving a pin with a fish." (118) There was an old man from Bengal Who liked to do tricks in the hall. His favorite trick Was to stand on his dick While he rolled around on one ball. (119) There once was a fellow named Sweeney Who spilled gin all over his weenie. Not being uncouth, He added vermouth And slipped his amour a martini. (120) On a cannibal isle near Malaysia Lives a lady they call Anastasia. Not Russian elite- She's eager to eat Whatever or whoever lays her. (121) There was a man from Mich. Who used to wish and wich. That spring would come So he could bum Around and go out fich. (122) There was a young lady named Ciss Who Said, "I think skating's a bliss!" But she'll never restate, For a wheel off her skate .siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM (123) A joker who haunts Monticello Is really a terrible fellow. In the midst of caresses He fills ladies dresses With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello. (124) There once was a maid from Mobile Whose cunt was made of blue steel. She only got thrills From pneumatic drills And an off-centered emery wheel. (125) There was a young fellow named Feeney Whose girl was a terrible meany. The hatch of her snatch Had a catch that would latch -She could only be screwed by Houdini. (126) There was a young lady from Wheeling Who claimed to lack sexual feeling. But a cynic named Boris Just touched her clitoris And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. (127) A marine being sent to Hong Kong Got a doctor to alter his dong. He sailed off with a tool Flat and thin as a rule- When he got there he found he was wrong. (128) There was a young girl from East Lynn ( To save her from sin ) Had filled up her crack With hard-setting shellac, But the boys picked it out with a pin. (129) There was a young girl named Saphire Who succumbed to her lover's desire. She said, "It's a sin, But now that it's in, Could you shove it a few inches higher?" (130) There was a young fellow named Hatch Who was fond of the music of Bach. He said: "It's not fussy Like Brahms and Debussy; Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch." (131) There was an old lady of Glascow, Whose party proved quite a fiasco. At nine-thirty, about, The lights all went out, Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co. (132) A limerick packs laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical. But the good ones I've seen So seldom are clean, And the clean ones so seldom are comical. (133) A lady from Kalamazoo Once found she had nothing to do, So she sat on the stairs And she counted her hairs: 4,302. (134) A corpulent maiden named Kroll Had a notion exceedingly droll: At a masquerade ball, Dressed in nothing at all, She backed in as a Parker House roll. (135) There was a young lady named Nelly Whose tits would jiggle like jelly. They could tickle her twat Or be tied in a knot, and could even swat flies on her belly. (136) There once was a girl named Priscilla Whose vagina was flavored vanilla. The taste was so fine Man and beast stood in line (Including a stud armadilla). (137) There was an old man from Duluth Whose cock was shot off in his youth. He fucked with his nose Or his fingers and toes And he came thru a hole in his tooth. (138) There was a young lady from Rheims Who amazingly pissed in FOUR streams. A friend poked around And a fly-button found Lodged tight in her hole so it seems. (140) There was a gay Countess of Bray, And you may think it odd when I say, That in spite of high station, - Rank and education, She always spelled cunt with a 'K'. (141) There was an old man of Connaught Whose prick was remarkably short. When he got into bed, The old woman said, "This isn't a prick, it's a wart!" (142) There was a young cook with the art Of making a delicious tart With a handful of shit, Some snot and some spit, And he'd flavor the whole with a fart. (143) There was a young lass from Surat. The cheeks of her ass were so fat That they had to be parted Whenever she farted, And also whenever she shat. (144) There was a young lady of Gaza Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. The crabs, in a lump, Made tracks to her rump - This passing parade did amaze her. (145) A doctoral student from Buckingham Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking 'em. But a dropout from Paree Taught him Gamahuchee - So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. (146) There was a young woman of Cheadle, Who once gave the clap to a beadle. Said she, "does it itch?" "It does, you damned bitch, And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle." (147) There was a poor parson from Goring, Who made a small hole in his flooring, Fur-lined it all round, Then laid on the ground, And declared it was cheaper than whoring. (148) A potter who lived in Bombay Once fashioned a cunt out of clay; But the heat of his prick Kilned the damn thing to brick And chafed all his foreskin away. (149) There was a young lady from Siam Who said to her lover, one Kiam, "You may kiss me of course, But you'll have to use force. Though god knows you're stronger than I Am." (150) On the porch of a dude named Horatio, His girl got a yen for fellatio. As she sucked on his dingus He tried cunnilingus But the cops ran 'em off of that patio. (151) There was a young man of Calcutta, Who tried to write "CUNT" on a shutter. When he got to C-U, A pious Hindoo Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter. (152) A handsome young rodent named Gratian As a lifeguard became a sensation. All the lady mice waved And screamed to be saved By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation. (153) In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth, Who doesn't know gin from vermouth, But this lubricant lapse Isn't noticed, perhaps Because NOBODY does in Duluth. (154) A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison And had an affair with a Saracen. She was not oversexed, Or jealous or vexed, She just wanted to make a comparison. (155) A princess who lived near a bog Met a prince in the form of a frog. Now she and her prince Are the parents of quints, Four boys and one fine polliwog. (156) A new dramatist of the absurd Has a voice that will shortly be heard. I learn from my spies He's about to devise An unprintable three-letter word. (157) A teenage protester named Lil Cried, "Those Watergate spies make me ill! First they bugged our martinis, Our bras and bikinis, And now they are bugging the pill." (158) There was a young man of Bombay Who buggered his dad once a day. He said, "I like, rather, Fucking my father -- He's clean, and there's nothing to pay." (159) A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? I am not I, I'm a tree." But another, more sane, Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" And covered his pants leg with pee. (160) There once was a fellow named Bob Who in sexual ways was a snob. One day he was swimmin' with twelve naked women And deserted them all for a gob. (161) There once was a monk of Camyre Who was seized with a carnal desire And the primary cause Was the abbess's drawers Which were hung up to dry by the fire. (162) An exotic young lady named Suki Once danced in a troupe of Kabuki When asked for a fuck She said, "Solly, no luck-- See here! Looky looky, no nuki!" (163) One evening a Guru had coitus With an actress, a whore and a poetess. When asked what position He used for coition, He answered serenely, "The loetus." (164) Asked a supplicant priest of the Pontiff, "Do I sin if I do what I want, if I screw a young nun In the Eastertide sun?" His Holiness murmured, "Gut Yontiff." (165) A pious young lady of Chichester Made all of the saints in their niches stir And each morning at matin Her breast in pink satin Made the Bishop of Chichester's breeches stir. (166) There was a young gaucho named Bruno Who said, "There is one thing I do know, Women are fine And children devine, But the llama is Numero Uno." (167) There was a young lady at sea Who complained that it hurt her to pee. Said the brawny old Mate, "That accounts for the state Of the cook and the captain and me." (168) A lovely young maid from St. Jude Once rode through the streets in the nude. The police cried, "Whatam-- Agnificent bottom!" And slapped it as hard as they cude. (169) Said a pornographistic young poet "Although I perhaps do not show it, My interest in sin Is wearing quite thin, And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it." (170) There was a young fellow named Grant Who was made like the sensitive plant. When they asked "Do you fuck?" He replied, "No such luck. I would if I could, but I can't." (171) There was a young monk of Dundee Who complained that it hurt him to pee, He said, "Pax vobiscum, Now why won't the piss come? I'm afraid I've the C-L-A-P." (172) A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux Fell in love with a dashing young beau. To arrest his regard She would squat in his yard And longingly pee in the sneaux. (173) There was a young woman, quite handsome, Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom. When she offered much gold For release, she was told That the view was worth more than the ransom. (174) There was a young man from Bengal Who claimed he had only one ball, But two little bitches Pulled down this man's breeches And proved he had nothing at all. (175) Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham And the scandal that's currently concerning'em? How they lift the frock And tickle the cock Of the Bishop while he was confirming 'em? (176) There was a young lady from Wooster Who complained that too many men gooster. So she traded her scanties For sandpaper panties, Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter. (177) A weary old lecher named Blott Took a luscious young blond to his yacht. Too lazy to rape her, He made darts out of paper, Which he leisurely tossed at her twat. (178) An arrogant wench from Salt Lake Liked to tease all the boys on the make. She was finally the prize Of a man twice her size And all she recalls is the ache. (179) A gifted young fellow from Sparta Was widely renowned as a farta'. He could fart anything From "Of Thee I Sing," To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata." (180) A deep-throated virgin named Netty Was sucking a cock on the jetty. She said, "It tastes nice, Much better than rice, Though not quite as good as spaghetti." (181) There was a young man of Lake Placid Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid. When he wanted to sport He would have to resort To injections of sulphuric acid. (182) A certain young sheik of Algiers Said to his harem, "My dears, Though you may think it odd of me, I'm tired of just sodomy Let's try straight fucking." (Loud cheers!) (183) An ambitious lady named Harriet Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot By seventeen sailors A monk and three tailors, Mohammed and Judas Iscariot. (184) The old archeologist, Throstle, Discovered a marvelous fossil. He knew from its bend And the knot on the end, T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. (185) "Well, Madam," the Bishop declared, While the Vicar just mumbled and stared, "'Twere better, perhaps, In the crypt or the apse, Because sex in the nave must be shared." (186) The Kings of Peru were the Incas, Who were known far and wide as great drincas. They worshipped the sun And had lots of fun, But the peasants all thought they were stincas. (187) There was a young lady named Cager Who, as the result of a wager, Consented to fart The entire oboe part Of Mozart's Quartet in F Major. (188) A whimsical fellow named Bloch Could beat the base drum with his cock. With a special erection He could play a selection From Johann Sebastian Bach. (189) There was an old man of Hong-Kong Who NEVER did anything wrong. He would lie on his back With his head in a sack And secretly finger his dong. (190) There was an old person of Ware Who had an affair with a bear. He explained, "I don't mind, For it's gentle and kind, But I wish it had slightly less hair." (191) A hearty young fellow named Yost Once had an affair with a ghost. At the height of the spasm The poor ectoplasm Cried, "Goodie! I feel it ... almost." (192) A pretty young boy known as Kevin Was raped in a pasture by seven Lascivious beasts (Oh, those Anglican priests!) And such is the kingdom of heaven. (193) Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse By all of the lads in his class He said, with a yawn, "Now the novelty's gone And it's only a pain in the ass." (194) A lad, at his first copulation, Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation, Gyration, elation Throughout the duration, I guess I'll give up masturbation." (195) A charmer from old Amarillo, Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, Decided one day That to keep men away She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. (196) A dentist, young Doctor Malone, Got a charming girl patient alone, And, in his depravity, Filled the wrong cavity. God, how his practice has grown! (197) There was a young lady named Alice Who was known to have peed in a chalice. 'Twas the common belief It was done for relief, And not out of Protestant malice. (198) A distinguished professor from Swarthmore Got along with a sexy young sophomore. As quick as a glance He stripped off his pants, But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. (199) A lady from old Little Rock In fidelity took little stock, And deserted her man In the streets of Japan For a boy with a prehensile cock. (200) There was a young lady from Munich Who had an affair with a eunuch. At the height of their passion He dealt her a ration From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. (201) An impish young fellow named James Had a passion for idiot games. He lighted the hair Of his lady's affair And laughed as she pissed through the flames. (202) A cabin boy on an old clipper Grew steadily flipper and flipper. He plugged up his ass With fragments of glass And thus circumcised his old skipper. (203) We sailed on the good ship Venus, My god, you should have seen us With a figurehead Of a whore in bed And the mast an upright penis. The captain of the lugger Was known as a filthy bugger Declared unfit To shovel shit From one ship to another. The first mate's name was Cooper, By god he was a trooper He jerked and jerked Until he worked Himself into a stupor. The cabin boy was Chipper, A dandy little nipper He shoved cracked glass Inside his ass And circumcised the skipper. The captain's wife was Charlotte, Born and bred a harlot Her thighs at night Were lily white By morning they were scarlet. The captain's youngest daughter Slipped into the water Her plaintive squeals Announced that eels Had found her sexual quarter. The ship's dog's name was Rover, They turned the poor beast over And ground and ground That faithful hound From Tenerief to Dover. (204) God's plan had a great beginning, But man spoiled his chances by sinning We trust that the story Will end in God's glory But at present the other side's winning. (205) There once was an ARPAnet freak, Who better response-time did seek. He searched coast to coast, For a reliable host, Whose logger took less than a week. (206) There was a young maiden named Hoople Whose bosom was triple, not duple She had one removed But it grew back improved At present Miss Hoople is quadruple! (207) A honeymoon couple named Kelly Spent their honeymoon belly to belly, Because in their haste, They used library paste In the place of petroleum jelly. (208) A man who would woo a fair maid Should 'prentice himself to the trade. He should study all day In methodical way How to flatter, cajole, and persuade. (209) A certain unmusical Persian Had a curious sort of perversion. He thought that the part That was words was by Art And was sure that the tunes were Gilbertian. (210) A woman who lived on Antigua Once said to her mate, "What a pig you are!" He answered, "My queen, Is it manner you mean? Or do you refer to my figure?" (211) There was a young lady of Yap With pimples all over her map. But in her interstices There lurked a far worse disease That is commonly known as the clap. (212) There was a sweet girl of Decatur Who went to sea on a freighter. She was screwed by the master --An utter disaster-- But the crew all made up for it later. (213) There was a young woman of Sydney Who could take it clear up to the kidney. But the thrust of Alphonse Barely reached to her mons So he left her unsatisfied, didney? (214) A woman from South Philadelphia Once found herself left on the shelfia. No one wanted her wares But she muttered, "Who cares?" And cheerfully played with herselfia. (215) There was a young man from Poughkeepsie Who, whenever he got slightly tipsy, Would whip out his tool And attack, like a fool, Any girl who was breasty and hipsy. (216) A certain young fellow named Vaughn Once felt irresistibly drawn To exhibiting fun That involved more than one So he screwed his best girl on the lawn. (217) A man from the small Isle of Wight Once went on a far eclipse flight. The weather was bad Girls were not to be had And the Moon veered away out of spite. (218) A certain hard-working young hooker Was such an enchanting good-looker, There were fights 'mongst the fuzz Over whose turn it was To pinch her, and frisk her, and book her. (219) There was a young man named Sam Stover Who prayed for a girl to Jehovah. She appeared on his lap And gave him the clap Now that sort of prayer is all over. (220) All was well with the Dowager Duchess When trapped in the mad rapist's clutches. Till he turned on the light, Took one look, said good night So she hit him with one of her crutches. (221) There was a young lady named Hunt Who performed the unusual stunt Of screwing by mail When she was in jail For she had a detachable cunt. (222) There was a young woman named Clare Within genitals lacking in hair. What caused this affliction Was sexual friction Which left them the worse for the wear. (223) Another young waman named Clare Would walk around perfectly bare, Saying, "All that I show Are my publics, you know, For my privates are covered with hair." (224) "I am just," moaned a girl from Racine, "A perpetual motion machine. I can't help it. I must. For I service the lust Of a sex-starved young U.S. Marine." (225) There was a young fellow from Queens Whose perpetual motion machines Would more forward by jerks For he kept in the works The best Mexican high-jumping beans. (226) A woman most gorgeously stacked Thought screwing a glorious act. So, for finding a niche For those who were rich, She was diamonded, minked, Cadillacked. (227) There is a young woman from Riga With morals depressingly meager, She's seduced twice a week By a lecherous Greek If "seduced" is the word when she's eager. (228) An Olympian lecher was Zeus, Always playing around fast and loose, With one hand in the bodice Of some likely young goddess And the other preparing to goose. (229) A young woman from South Carolina Placed fiddle strings 'cross her vagina. With the proper-sized cocks What was sex became Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor. (230) "On the beach," said John, sadly, "There's such A thing as revealing too much." So he closed both his eyes At the ranks of bare thighs And felt his way through them by touch. (231) A young violinist named Biddle Played exceedingly well on the fiddle. Yet 'twixt women and art 'Twas the girls won his heart Hands down and hands up--and hands middle. (232) A Sultan said sadly, "One strives To please all my fifty-six wives. But, alas, intromission Gives me the condition That's commonly known as the hives." (233) Said a woman with open delight, "My pubic hair's perfectly white. I admit there's a glare But the fellows don't care They locate it more quickly at night." (234) "What a shame," said a winsome young miss, "That an organ that brings me such bliss With its delicate touch Should be wasted on such An unpleasant production as piss." (235) In her youth, exhibitionist Annie Was fequently spanked by her nannie. That is why, to this day, Some psychiatrists say She is fond of exposing her fanny. (236) An expert at kissin' and dallyin' Had a prick quite like that of a stallion. His success would be cosmic But for shortcomings osmic For he reeked very strongly of scallion. (237) An innocent hooker named Agnes Was reduced to mere tatters and ragness Because the poor sweet Kept on working a street That was laden with queers and with fagness. (238) A rapist's convicted, and hence is Executed for all his offenses, Thereafter, indeed, His victims agreed That the man was well-hung in both senses. (239) A young teacher from far-off Bombay Turned down a request for a lay Nicely couched in a note, Since the fellow who wrote Had spelled "intercoarse" with an "a." (240) Said a man from Mobile, Alabama, "I'm displeased with my role in life's drama. My wife, who's a shrew, Isn't willing to screw And she's sure to outlive me, God damma." (241) Young Jane was a lollapolooza Yet no one could manage to use her. She wouldn't screw with them Except to the rhythm Of the marches of John Philip Sousa. (242) A fellow from Chicopee, Mass. Rejected another man's pass. He felt some attraction, But recalled that the action Might well prove a pain in the ass. (243) During sex, Mary's moans were harmonic From high C, down by chords, to the tonic. So John felt it unsordid To have them recorded In sound that was stereophonic. (244) How bitter was Joseph's existence When he found that his girl friend's insistence Meant that he'd have to wed her Before he could bed her. She was simply a piece de resistance. (245) A young man from a lofty sierra Found sex both a puzzle and terror. But he met with a lass In a similar pass And they both learned--by trial and error. (246) A luscious young student at Vassar Was hailed as a top-of-the-classer. But not in her studies You old fuddy-duddies For she shone as a great piece-of-asser. (247) The crotch of a lady from Trenton Was too tight to make much of a dent on. The fellows who tried Spread the news far and wide That she made of a hard-un, a bent-un. (248) There was a young woman named Melanie Who was asked by a man, "Do you sell any?" She replied, "No, siree, I give it for free To see it, dear sir, is a felony." (249) There was a young woman named Susan Who found it completely amusin' To make love to three men Although who did what when Was frequently rather confusin'. (250) Thanks to sex, a young woman named Carol Looked delightful in model's apparel. The slimming effect Was best, I suspect, When her man had her over a barrel. (251) A stableman, fresh from the Ruhr, Had a daughter, delightful and pure. It seems such a shame That her chief claim to fame Was her great skill at pitching manure. (252) Said a young man, "I'm really delighted To find that my love is requited By all twenty-eight Of the girls that I date. Were they fewer, I'd feel myself slighted." (253) There was an old man from the Nile Whose sexual habits were vile. Yet whenever he'd score The women all swore That he sure made perversion worthwhile. (254) A lovely French girl from Calais Looks great in her sheer negligee. Delightful and chaste She would just suit the taste Of the typical Gallic gourmet. (255) A colonial girl, sweet and sainted, Was by war-striped young Indians tainted. Later, asked of the ravages, She said ofthe savages, "They aren't as bad as they're painted." (256) A stately giraffe, when he necks, Or a hippo, when he's having sex, Aren't worth a tut-tut To the bellowing rut Of the great Tyrannosaurus Rex. (257) Young Alice is known for her poise During quiet foreplay with the boys. But then when she has 'em At the brink of orgasm, You can't hear yourself think for the noise. (258) An uncertain young woman named Fern Was so great she had lovers to burn. She got into bed With both Johnnie and Fred And didn't know which way to turn. (259) A confirmed multilinguist, I fear, Finds conditions for flirting severe. A girl scarcely knows The response to a beau's "Bitte, couchez avec mich, my dear." (260) There was a young woman named Golda Whose lovers grew colder and colder For during love making She'd sing the earth-shaking Love theme from Tristan und Isolde. (261) Thre was an old Scotsman of Fife Who had left, in the course of his life, Scores of well-rounded ends Of the wives of his friends And likewise of the friends of his wife. (262) There was a young man of Rostov Who found it a risk to make love. He had grown very fond Of a statuesque blonde And was hurt when he slipped and fell off. (263) A sprightly young fellow named Jay Screwed a girl in his car every day. His aims weren't base He just wanted to place The "let" in his old Chevrolet. (264) A certain young woman named Mame Longs to play in a tough football game. You would think that can't be Since she's female, you see, Yet she's making the team, just the same. (265) At a bullfight, Jose made his bid. When the maiden agreed, he was rid Of all inhibitions And, despite the conditions, As the crowd yelled "Ole!" Jose did. (266) There was a young fellow from Juilliard With a penis that measured a full yard. The girls whispered and leered And most of them cheered Whenever he ran through the schoolyard. (267) There was a young sailor from Rome Who found the girls over the foam All acted the same In the sexual game So he might just as well have stayed home. (268) It seemed all was well for old Bill For the night was romantic and still. She was warm, she was waiting, She was ripe for the mating But alas--she was not on the pill. (269) There was a young woman named Maud Who found herself now and then floored --Or bedded, or chaired, Or top of the staired-- Oh, well, it's the life of a bawd. (270) Thre was a young lady named Bates Who amused every one of her dates By keeping one breast In total arrest While the other described figure eights. (271) A certain sweet girl from Key West Was uncommonly large in the chest. Any man's close attention To her outsize dimension Brought his own measurement to its best. (272) There was a young woman named Vicki Who said, "I don't want to be picky. If, in five hours or so As you say, you must go, At least we'll have time for a quicky." (273) A psychiatrist said, "It's no matter That my husband is mad as a hatter. There are certain psychoses That bring sex in large doses. My husband, you see, is satyr." (274) The climax, when Josie engages, Is postponed for what seems to be ages. Out of self-preservation And to banish frustration She has three or four fellows--in stages. (275) Annabelle turned beet-red in the face At having been raped. Such disgrace! Yet although it was terrible It was not quite unbearable. She had taken her pill just in case. (276) An industrious young obstetrician Conceived his financial position To depend upon beauty And husbandly duty Plus determined and endless coition. (277) Once Titian, while mixing rose madder, Spied his model on top of the ladder. Her position, to Titian, Suggested coition, So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er. (278) A virtuous maiden named Nora Viewed sexual sinning with horror. But a bit of love play Was indulged in today And who knows what she'll think by tomorrow. (279) There was a young man of Belgrade Who planned to seduce a fair maid. And as it befell He succeeded quite well So the maid, like the plan, was deep-laid. (280) There was an old man of Belfast Whose active sex life was so vast He was glad he'd worked through To a spry ninety-two When his lust was declining at last. (281) Those men who are born under Taurus Are attracted to girls of the chorus. They go on to excursions In varied perversions-- But forget it, the details would bore us. (282) A queen of old Egypt, named Cleo Conducted her loving "con brio." She felt quite at home in The arms of one Roman But preferred to be part of a trio. (283) There was an old maid of Peru Who swore that she never would screw Except under stress Of forceful duress Like, "I'm ready, dear, how about you?" (284) Turning down the desires of Marie John explained, "It's unfair, don't you see? For all I can do Is to keep screwing you While you'd screw none other than me." (285) A finicky man from Australia With the ladies was largely a failure. He said, "Sex may be fun But in the long run It will damage my fine genitalia." (286) A sultan, inspecting his harem, Said, "Eunuch, proceed to unbare 'em." Having seen the details He issued long veils And ordered the harem to wear 'em. (287) A woman who lived near Cape Fear Would always most carefully steer Past men whom she saw, But was brought to the floor, By a well-timed attack from the rear. (288) There once was a member of Mensa Who was a most excellent fencer. The sword that he used Was his--(line is refused, And has now been removed by the censor). (289) A woman who reached ninety-nine Said she always felt pefectly fine Thanks to helpings of semen From rugged old he-men Who were not too far gone in decline. (290) A young woman from old Montreal Reminisced once concerning her fall, Saying, "He was so quick, And his prick was so slick, That I just never felt it at all. (291) A young fellow received much acclaim For his skill at the sexual game. A real Juggernaut He easily brought Three girls to the peak ere he came. (292) A sadly afficted young stutterer With a wish, but unable to utter 'er, Showed his favorite tart The appropriate part Of the drawings in his Kamasutra. (293) There once was a lecherous pianist Of all, the most he-in' and she-inest. To heighten his joy He would only employ Those girls he was told were agreein-est. (294) An astronomer fellow named Mark Was sure it would be a great lark To have a girl eye The stars in the sky And see what came up in the dark. (296) We all laughed when a fellow named Ollie Once swore he would screw a young dolly. "For twelve hours, I'll engage'er," And he laid down his wager. We all laughed, but he did it, by golly. (297) A feminist, fetchingly scented, In a charming hotel room she'd rented Had picked up a guy In the street, passing by, And when she said, "Right on!" boy, she meant it. (298) Another young feminist, Florence, Held all the male sex in abhorrence. She'd take men to bed And screw them till dead And then she'd collect the insurance. (299) Some gentlemen born under Aries Are likely to go by contraries. They're apt to ignore The sweet girl next door And feel much attracted to fairies. (300) An actor, in furious rage, Muttered this to an actress on stage, "When I'd fallen for you I had thought forty-two Was meant for your breasts, not your age." (301) There was a young couple from Florida Whose passion grew steadily torrider. They were planning to sin In a room in an inn. Who can wait? So they screwed in the corridor. (302) There was a hard-working soothsayer Well-known as an honest truth-prayer. He married a dame And Ruth was her name And now he is called a Ruth-layer. (303) There was a young girl named Laraine Whom no one could think of as plain. The fellows pursue her In order to screw her Again and again and again. (304) A devil-may-care sort of flapper Was a belle who was seeking a clapper. But not every bum Would be making her come She was after a Phi Beta Kappa. (305) Said old Dick to a quite famous beauty, "I think that it's my bounden duty To give you the measure Of my tip for your pleasure --And by 'tip' I don't mean a gratuity." (306) A young man who enjoyed the society Of girls to the point of satiey Sometimes had a half a mind To leave them behind And jerk himself off for variety. (307) A woman who lived in St. Paul Had breasts undeniably small Her husband growled, "Dear, Why not burn your brassiere? It's fulfilling no function at all." (308) An eager inventor named Jones Was reduced to loud sobbing and moans. He'd devised x-ray glasses To study clothed lasses But all he could see were their bones. (309) An insatiable damsel named Bridget Was likely to mutter and fidget Whenever some jerk Couldn't manage to work Up a quick enought rise to the rigid. (310) The seductive Dolores could lay so Well, she earned many a peso Fom men who walked miles To climax, with smiles. (Her ads in the papers all say so.) (311) Said John, "Sex I've always enjoyed And the way to avoid being cloyed For the fellow who dallies is The psychoanalysis Of the school of the great Sigmund Freud." (312) Softly seductive young Brenda Wnats a man who is sweet, kind, and tender, And thoughtful and bright And sexually right But mostly a very big spender. (313) The man whom I call Dr. A. Is past master at love and at play. At hugging and kissing-- (The remainder is missing For I won't give my secrets away.)